Confederate memorial defaced

PORTSMOUTH, VA - Statues depicting four Confederate soldiers were found defaced over the weekend, their faces painted black in a possible gesture of protest against...something. It's presently unknown whether the perpetrator or perpetrators were being ironic or whether - more likely - they were just drunken imbeciles. City Museums Director Nancy Perry spoke for many in the Tidewater town when she said, “It seems fairly deliberate...I have a gut feeling that there might be some symbolism to it, but I don’t know what that is."

Perry was quoted elsewhere remarking that "I think the Civil War is still sensitive to a segment of the South." [Dramatic pause.] No shit?

Police throughout the American South are girding for anticipated civil disturbances coinciding with the August 5th movie release of The Dukes of Hazzard. Texan actress Jessica Simpson, who stars in the film, has come under angry criticism throughout the region as a result of her inexplicable inability to speak in a credible southern accent.