No Lunchmeat Is Safe

So you thought a summer gig at Quiznos would be a good way to keep to keep your kid off the street and out of danger, did you? Think again, sister. Think again.

Meat slicer thieves are marauding across the American west, hitting Quiznos after Quiznos-- nearly 20 slicers have been stolen this summer in LA alone! In one case, the thief accidentally smashed the cash register while he was moving the slicer (damn things weigh like 100 pounds each) and left the money there. That's right, he took the slicer and ignored the cash. Apparently the slicers, which cost over $4000 new, can be had for less than $2000 if they're hot, so a lot of them end up in cookware wholesale shops, where they're snatched up by restaurants and demented home cooks. (You know, like Kramer.)

Corporate is aware of the problem and has issued a memo with suggestions on how to keep the slicers safe. However, since they're legally not allowed to mention firearms, their main suggestion seems to be to move the thing off the counter every night-- but who the hell wants to lug around a 100 pound weight with a very sharp blade? At least one smart owner has taken a simpler approach: he's chained his store's slicer to a table. I think somebody needs to be kicked upstairs.