One ring to fool them all

Gary Moody, 45, hopped into a women's rest stop outhouse tank, that's the TANK, I want that to be clear, he wasn’t hiding in a corner of the outhouse, he was crouched there in the dark, dank (I'm assuming) tank like Gollum, waiting for a precioussss young lady to squat over him. At least that’s what you're thinking, you dirty little internet users. The REAL story is much more innocent. You see, he was changing clothes (in the women's outhouse, natch) and in so doing, dropped his wedding ring down the loo, prompting him to dive after it (my precioussss!).

That was over 450 years ago. Since then his mind, body and soul have been consumed by the power of the ring, and he has dwelled in that outhouse tank, feasting on the turds of rest-weary travelers, and staring into the infinite reflection of the Ring. That is, until Carroll County Sheriff's Capt. Jon "Frodo" Herbert found him there and "confiscated" the Ring as "evidence." I'll let him finish the story.

Moody was arrested after a girl entered the restroom and saw him in the raw sewage tank.

In court documents, the arresting officer reported Moody told him he was doing nothing wrong.

"He told me that he was changing clothes when he dropped his wedding ring into he toilet," Carroll County Sheriff's Capt. Jon Herbert wrote. "He said the ring was very valuable and he did not want to return home without it."

The officer reported Moody said he dropped into the tank through the toilet opening to search for the ring, and hid, out of embarrassment, when someone came into the outhouse.

Police later screened the tank and suspicously reported that no. Ring. Was. Found!

My God. Middle Earth is doomed.