Blottered's Early Bird Holiday Shopping Tips And Other Holiday Strategies Pt 1

In an effort to help Blottered readers manage their holiday purchases early (AKA The cheap shit in the trunk that was on Totally Fucking Clearance at the local Grog & Gag) here's an exclusive helper for the mad days to come. Pt 1. (Pt 2) in December.

• On Thanksgiving Americans celebrate the rape of Indian civilization and the decline of Western Civilization, as a whole. The day after: an orgy of consumer shopping. Here's a helpful tip for the biggest shopping day of the year! Since you got up so early in the first place, and found your way through armpits of sweaty mother daughter shopping teams, be safe and store your purchases in the trunk of your Fiero, not in open view, the back seat, front seat, or tied to the roof.

• People are going to kill for Xbox 360's this year because kids really want an impressive graphics and processor update. So if you find yourself surrounded by knife wielding geeks who want to grab your core or deluxe system, surrender it. This shiny new toy is going to be the impetus to kill for many and you don't want to put yourself out there, like that. Don't expect those dudes at mall security to help, either.

• If you're a father wishing to get your son "a real coming of age" gift and you pay for a female escort, do yourself and your family a favor and don't try her out yourself first and then try to pass off the sloppy seconds to your son. Also, make sure you call a reputable service that does extensive HIV testing. You don't want your son to be paying for this Christmas forever no matter how cheap it was. Remember: that dude who got over HIV didn't actually ever have HIV.

• The safest way to keep your holiday purchases out of the hands of the crooked is to exclusively purchase sweat pants for family members. It might not make you more-loved but it's cost effective and no one wants any.

• See #the tip about sweatpants. Same with socks. I don't care if you bring Jesus down here and he can do some "mind shit" like Stranger In A Strange Land grokkin', there's nothin' so fine as slipping your feet into a pair of warm, soft socks. And, by the way, here's a tip: If you buy a package of socks that has ziplock lips on it, you can open this and snag a few pairs for your feet. Just shrug and say, "Musta' be a manufacturing error or somethin'." Meanwhile your feet are undergoing what sock enthusiasts like myself call, "Pleasurin' Tyme".

• Nephew hasn't seen Bad Santa yet? There's an uncut DVD out there just waiting for your nephew's Christmas sock. Do him a favor even if he's like, six or seven. Cynicism and despair offer a lifetime of extraordinary riches that he can mine for the rest of his life. In fact, doing this, you might eventually cause his divorce when he's like, your age. Merry Christmas, nephew! You thought life was a dream but in fact, good ole' buddy, it's a nightmare.