Keira Knightley is dead?

"A British model turned Los Angeles bounty-hunter who inspired an upcoming movie has died of undetermined causes in Hollywood but the studio said on Thursday it planned to go ahead with its August release."

Jury acquits police chief of attempting to murder an innocent man

In Black River Falls, WI, the message is clear: leave the gunfire to the professionals:

Hoskins misinterpreted John Ellingson's attempt to scare away teenagers pranksters coming to toilet-paper his house by rigging his yard with noisemakers that sounded like gunfire...."[Ellingson] reasonably believed that [Hoskins] was a raging lunatic," Oswald said. "That provoked the attack from Mr. Ellingson."

Y'know, where I grew up, the farmers had shotguns loaded with rocksalt to chase us off of their property. Ain't no Statie gonna fuck with that.

"We both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter."

Parents can be such a drag. You know, sometimes all you want to do is keep up the appearance that you're a jetsetting, Nike-sponsored tennis player, and your folks stand in your way. Thus, you have no choice but to maul them to death:

But when Blackwell's parents - retired accountant Brian Blackwell, 71, and his wife Jacqueline, 60 - prevented him securing the money he needed to keep up his story, he beat them with a claw hammer and stabbed them up to 30 times with a kitchen knife at their £350,000 bungalow in the affluent village of Melling, on Merseyside.

What drove him to do this? Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Some of the diagnostic criteria for this mental disorder are illusions of grandiosity and self-importance; obsession with affluence, success, and sexual performance; and agility with clawhammers. You can find out if you're suffering from NPD here. I know I'm most certainly not--it just seems that way because I'm wildly successful and a really great lay, to boot.

Purchasing the services of a lady of ill repute without getting caught: A how-to guide

According to an anonymous Sun-Times letter-writer, you'd have to be a total asshat to get caught soliciting a pro:

When I say it's easy to avoid arrest, this is what I mean: a legitimate hooker will usually walk down the sidewalk, while an undercover police woman posing as a hooker has to plant herself at the same spot the whole time she's out there. You can't very well have a parade of backup officers following her, can you?

Don't end up like these guys. [Why are they all leaning?--Ed.]

Previously: That's Not Happiness to See Me, Is It

Satanism is not a crime

Where would we be without Satan? I'll tell you where, we'd be in a place with a lot less comedy. There are some words that just in their utterance, are hilarious. For instance, monkey. You're laughing now, aren't you? Well, I think we can all agree that Satan is right up near the top of these kind of words. You want a recipe for instant comedy? Write an inocuous sentence like, say, "Presented here is a copy of my Powerpoint Presentation." Not funny. Now sprinkle in these two words: "on Satanism." Now serve them together, cold: "Presented here is a copy of my Powerpoint Presentation on Satanism." Holy crap, that's hilarious. For more of such hilarity, mosey on over here for a very serious study on the misperceptions people have of Satanism's link to criminal activity. It's even sponsored by the Criminal Justice department of Boston University, so you know it's legit. If you have time, take the survey, intended "for US citizens, who are 18 years or older, and non-Satanists." OK, stop laughing, this is serious.

Also included are the 11 Satanic Rules, which I'm guessing is Satanists' answer to the Ten Commandments. Say what you will about Satanists, but after reading them, I'm almost ready to hand in my Lapsed Catholic Badge™ (oh yes, we have those) and jump wholeheartedly into Satan's warm embrace. I mean, who can resist a religion with the following as one of its tenets?

When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him!! (emphasis mine I mean Satan's)

I think that's something even Sterling could get behind.

Neighborhood Meth Watch

No one stepped up to the plate to swing at the "Albino Poo" (does drug slang ever get old or stop evolving?) you may know more commonly as metamphetamine or meth, so allow me to start this Horse Mumpy race by sprinkling a little Gyp Hawaiian Salt on your Jib Nuggets. As a public service, here are the KCI's top signs you may be living near a meth lab:

* Unusual, strong odors (like cat urine, ether, ammonia, acetone or other chemicals).
* Residences with windows blacked out.
* Renters who pay their landlords in cash. (Most drug dealers trade exclusively in cash.)
* Lots of traffic - people coming and going at unusual times. There may be little traffic during the day, but at night the activity increases dramatically.
* Excessive trash including large amounts of items such as: antifreeze containers, lantern fuel cans, red chemically stained coffee filters, drain cleaner and duct tape.
* Unusual amounts of clear glass containers being brought into the home.

Blottered adds, you live next to this guy:

More pictures of meth users here.

Our parents were right

A gamer in China was sentenced to life in an actual prison for stabbing and killing another gamer. Qiu Chengwei broke into competitor Zhu Caoyuan's apartment and stabbed the sleeping 26-year old with a presumably non-virtual knife, after Caoyuan had sold Chengwei's virtual sword to an unnamed gamer. The "weapon" in question was a "dragon sabre," used in the popular online game Legend of Mir 3. Upon hearing the verdict, Chengwei was seen frantically hitting the "Reset" button on the Playstation 2 controller he carries with him at all times, to no avail.

Jack the Ripper

Sometime in the early hours of the thirty-first of August, 1888, Mary Ann Walker was murdered in London's East End. Known to friends and acquaintances as Polly, Walker was plying her trade as a prostitute through the night in an effort to earn enough for a bed at the flop-house where she was staying when she became the first of Jack Ripper's five known victims. (Some speculate there were more.)

The Ripper was never caught and his identity has never been established. The latest theory claims that the Ripper was a merchant seaman who performed similiar grisly acts in Latin America, according to the Mirror.

Over the years there have been plenty of plausible explanations of the Ripper's identity. My personal favorite was told to me by a white bearded reactionary in a pub in southwest Ireland after we had both had a few two many pints of the dark stuff. He was convinced that the murderer was a woman named Annie Wood Besant. A socialist and feminist agitator, Besant had helped organize the Matchgirls Strike after the sources for an article she had published on the poor working conditions of women in London were fired by their employers.

As I recall, Besant's alleged motive for the murders involved the strike--the murdered women were either scabs or police informants. It was also possible, he told me, that the murders were part of Besant's initiation into the weird Theosophist cult that was then lighting fires in the minds of the era's intellectuals. Or maybe it wasn't the Theosophists at all, but a far more sinister cult. The last thing the old guy said before wandering off was: "Feminism is a murder cult founded by Medea."

3 dead as Slashdot loses another contributor

IT expert goes on shooting rampage when the repo men show up:

"Mr Sacco," he said, "you've got to let me in. You know very well that your house has been repossessed." Sacco replied, "Wait here a minute." Then he went to get a hunting rifle from his collection of 30 guns [Always choose the right tool for the job--Ed.] and shot the surveyor in the face. Standing on his balcony, Sacco then began firing at passers-by. The first to be wounded was Matilda Panicali, a lawyer, shot in the back as she drove past the house. The man in the car behind said: "The lady's Fiat suddenly stopped. I didn't understand why. [Because for once, it wasn't due to mechanical failure--Ed.] I looked up, and on the balcony I saw a man in a green shirt and khaki trousers [Hm, this man is about to shoot me; I wonder what he's wearing?--Ed] with a hunting rifle in his hand."

The carabinieri were finally to apprehend Sacco, who they found sitting on a sofa in his underpants."They wanted to take everything from me," he said. "They wanted to take my house." But they can never take my pants, he added.

Perps on film

This crime blogging stuff is easy thanks to shit like Technorati. Just type in "crime" and shazam! Instant content! Oh shit, maybe we shouldn't tell anyone. Anyway, check out this Flickr photostream from Least Wanted. Don't know the story behind it, perhaps this "Least Wanted" works in a records department, but there are a ton of fascinating old mugshots in here. You can even read the case studies on most of them. I especially like the set entitled "white women 1940s (multiples)." That's how I like my white women - in multiples. And from the 1940s.

Also, the NYC Department of Records has a few good crime scene photos from the early part of the 20th century.

Speaking of Commies

Vladimir Putin seems to have absconded with Robert Kraft's Super Bowl ring. According to the Kremlin, it was merely a $15,000, diamond-encrusted gift. Unfortunately, Kraft's people aren't entirely sure the Russian prez was supposed to keep it. Either way, it's pretty hilarious-- especially since word is that the ring is currently in the Kremlin library.

Pass the dutchie round the world

BBC News World Edition comes out swinging, with both fists clenched with bundles of stats, pow-pow-punching at the War on Drugs like it was Clubber Lang slowing in the third round. The first 4 paras are as follows:

- The number of people taking illegal drugs worldwide rose last year by about 15 million to 200 million, the UN annual drugs report says. POW!

- The value of the global drugs trade, which the report says is about $320bn, is higher than the gross domestic product of 90% of the world's nations. BIFF!

- It also says Afghanistan produced 87% of the world's illegal supplies of opium last year. BAMM!

- Cocaine production fell in Colombia, but rose in Peru and Bolivia. KABOOM!

And to all you midnight, midday, and midmorning tokers, thanks for making bud the most widely used drug: 160 million strong and rising.

Granny Was A Commie Spy

Melita Norwood is dead at 93. A quiet, unassuming widow who drank tea out of Che Guevara mugs and handed out a party newspaper to her neighbors, she also happened to spend nearly 30 years as a KGB spy. Though only a secretary, Norwood had full security clearance (despite the fact that the government knew she was a Commie-- imagine that happening in the pre-WW2 US. Ha!) at a company that was "deeply involved in the top-secret project associated with the building of Britain's atomic bomb." As a result, the documents she took pictures of were way more useful to the KGB than the ones to which your grandma might have access. Outed by a defector in 1999, the 88 year-old at first was subject to the righteous indignation of her poor, deceived homeland. The rage, however, didn't seem to bother sweet Melita too much. To wit:

As Ann Widdecome, the shadow home secretary, yammered on about Norwood's "40 years of sustained treachery," [the spy] herself laughed it off: "Oh gosh, oh dear. She sounds quite angry, doesn't she?" Norwood said of the secretary's vituperative outburst. "Oooh, she is awful, isn't she?"

Ultimately, despite the wishes of his shadow (and others) Home Secretary Jack Straw decided that it wasn't "in the public interest" to prosecute the old lady and left her to live in peace. Though he didn't say so, the real reason was clear: when you come right down to it, we all wish we had a feisty, unrepentant KGB spy in the family.

RIP, Melita.

She Turned Me Into A Newt!

Apparently telling girls that you need to have sex with them to break a spell actually works. In Vista, California, a completely disgusting scumbag who somehow got a job coaching girls' soccer told THE ENTIRE TEAM that he was under a spell, and that "he would be calling on some girls to help him." He got his niece (with whose family he was living) and at least one of her teammates to "help" him-- though the article points out that the other girl (who, by the way, is 14) "admitted to liking" the pig. And that matters why, again?

Though we can't completely blame the Cursed Guy-- the idea of sex as a cure actually came to him via notes, left around by an angel named Antonio. So it turns out the poor dude was just following orders.

Let's Go Meth!

If there's one type of criminal activity we never get tired of around here, then it has to be the operation of backwoods meth labs. (In fact, I kinda wish we named this site MethLabbed.com.) It represents the tragic-comedy of what America, the land of abusing opportunity, is all about: drugs and rednecks. There's something charming and made-for-tv movie-ish how it's usually a couple of guys with their girlfriends of 2 weeks attempting to build their little own "We Ain't Crossing County Lines" cartel. And you won't find more insightful coverage than the local reports of meth lab busts in places like Benton, Arkansas: "Benton narcotics officers raided a clandestine methamphetamine laboratory in northeastern Saline County on Tuesday evening..." Clandestine!! Perhaps the qualifier is necessary and some of the open-air meth labs operating from a booth at the farmer's market have still escaped Johnny Law's watchful eyes. Anyway, there's a goldmine of material here so we're looking for a dedicated meth lab correspondent and my eyes are on Gawker Media/Kinja tech guru Jim Nachlin.

Blottered in review

I am far too stupid to really understand what's happening, and the fine print of some of these documents looks like an orgy of ants from the lofty heights at which I am perched, but something terrible seems to be happening. Being stupid, I'm not entirely sure if the following three examples are connected and if you have a more educated opinion on it all, please feel free to plug your sphincter with it.

What we've learned thus far is that some backwater burg in one of the richest states in the God-blessed Union can take your ancestral home and put up a toxic chemical plant that rips off its consumers who have no where but the tundra or some lawless nation to turn to for alternatives.

Additionally, should you with you "share" material that you already payed for with your closest compadres, you can, in all sincerity, go fuck yourself, as Grokster goes down (up?) in flames. Once thought by pundits retardant, turns out they're retarded. Thank God, another tundra-comprised nation is impervious to name-calling. Goooooooo Vikings!

Phew. That's a lot of bile. Let's take a breather. Here's a word from our sponsors.



This all in one head harness gag with blindfold makes for good slave training. The harness is all leather and has 4 straps. 1 strap goes over the head, 2 around the head and 1 chin strap. The inside of the blindfold is soft cotton for a comfortable fit. The gag can be removed so the blinfold and harness can be worn alone. The red ball gag is a respectable 1.5" in diameter.

We're back, and capping it all off like a love-cream facial, a kids' kicks company thinks it's a wittier Andy Warhol with a dash of Alanis Morissette. How do you go on when it turns out that the world hates you? Turns out the answer to that question isn't important at all because, hahahahha, they don't!

Sleep easy tonight and in the morning start making some protective headgear for God sake.

Inside the Assassin's Studio

By show of voice vote, who would you rather bunk with in a prison cell?
James Lipton or BTK

Flag Burning

SARASOTA, FL - In addition to the moronic Nixon-called-Gandhi-a-bad-name story that I wrote about at Memefirst, the AP wire on Tuesday ran a mind-bendingly stupid item about a flag burning incident. "Two Sarasota teens accused of burning six American flags have been charged with arson and manufacturing a firebomb," the article begins, breathlessly.

Somebody call the ACLU! Amnesty International! Sean Penn! Teenagers are being oppressed! The First Amendment right to burn things is being abridged!

Wait, hold on. 'Round about the third paragraph the AP provides this bit of insight into the charges: "They set fire to six flags Sunday and tried to firebomb a car, the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office said."

Ah. So these playful scamps of free speech were charged with arson and manufacturing a firebomb for committing arson and manufacturing a firebomb. They were not sent to the Gitmo Gulag for following Dennis Kucinich - as attractive a notion that might be for people on both sides of the aisle - but were instead sent to the county lockup for trying to blow up an automobile.

Isn't the Associated Press at least ostensibly supposed to report news, not invent it out of whole cloth?

Blottered Clobbered

The entire TOP Media network (also including Young Manhattanite, Krucoff.com, The 6th Beatle email newsletter) was brought down today BY THOSE EVIL CORPORATE BLOODSUCKERS AT NIKE!! Or so I wish. Actually, it was due to some problem with our hosting provider. The sites loaded but we couldn't post or FTP any files all day. Technical support says:

We detected a file system problem with your particular webserver. The problem was temporary and has been resolved. Server functionality has been fully restored. We will be monitoring the server's functionality for the next 24 hours to ensure stability.

In any case, we regret that we have no readers who could possibly be affected by this inconvenience.

Danger, Will Robinson!

Four reasons not to coach high school sports:

• In Hamden, Connecticut softball coach John Crovo was hit five times--at least once in the head-- with a bat wielded by a disgruntled parent. (Crovo totally survived. Here's hoping the girl hits better than her dad.)
• A high school girls' rugby coach (Wow, high school girls' rugby. Even I think that sounds sort of hot.) in California was "punched and kicked unconscious by a group of parents" when he tried to break up a fight.
• A Texas dad who had a habit of pushing and yelling at his kid's coaches was banned from games. So he shot one of the coaches in the head.
• In Toronto, a dad decided the best way to deal with the benching of his son was to choke the kid's coach.

I so got out just in time. (via The New York Times)

The Headless Whore of Montreal

A woman’s voice announced from the loudspeaker that Air Canada flight 750 from Montreal to LaGuardia would be delayed another hour, so I ordered another Molson Export and a shot of Canadian Club. I had been in the airport for three hours already. I had no idea how much I had already had to drink.

The rumor had spread among the other would-be passengers that rain and fog in New York were causing the delay. Time was that no-one in their right minds flew through a storm sober, especially not the pilots. That had all changed after Islamic militants weaponized three planes on September 11, 2001. Ever since, airplane passengers had been forced to endure their voyages as sober as, well, as an Islamic militant. A small victory for someone and a small defeat for someone else, I suppose, and I’m pretty sure I am among the elses.

I wasn’t sure if I was drunk yet but I was certain I would be if they announced another delay. In that case I wouldn’t even try to board the plane. I would turn in my ticket, arrange for a flight out the following day, and go to see a whore named Mary Gallagher in Montreal’s Griffintown.

From the nineteenth and into the twentieth century, Griffintown was a working-class Irish neighborhood, Montreal’s version of South Boston. It survived waves on immigration, floods and economic depression but was eventually leveled by an unstoppable menace that wrecked so many North American cities in the middle of the twentieth century—urban planning. They tore down the Griff and put up on industrial park.

These days the Griff is mostly remembered for Mary Gallagher, a thirty-eight year old prostitute whose corpse was found mangled in the apartment of colleague in June of 1879. Gallagher’s death had put an end to a three-day drinking-binge she had been on in the company of Susan Kennedy and a stevedore named Michael Flanagan. Some say Kennedy and Gallagher fell-out over money or the attentions of Flanagan. Given their profession, I suppose it could have been both. They found Gallagher in Kenney’s apartment, her head and one-hand severed from her body. Kennedy was convicted of the crime.

This might have just been one more gruesome murder in a neighborhood that had its share but for the fact that seven years later someone swore they saw headless Gallagher near the spot where she was murdered. Now they say she returns every seven years. Last night was the seventh anniversary of her last manifestation.

I drank down my whiskey. I had by now convinced myself that waiting around on a warm night in Montreal for the ghost of a headless prostitute had far more promise than spending another hour in the airport bar.

“We will begin boarding flight 750 to New York’s LaGuardia airport,” the loudspeakered woman announced.

I raised the glass of Molson to Mary Gallagher. I wasn’t going to get to watch for her after all. Maybe next time, Mary. Maybe next time.

[Prostitute slain in 1879 said to return every seven years--Montreal Gazette]

Hey Mr. Mountie-- Over Here!

Antonio Commisso, a big mob kingpin in southern Italy, was arrested yesterday in Toronto. (Apparently his crew was pretty big up north back in the day, so he could claim he was going back to his roots, not fleeing. Mob bosses never flee.) Tracking him down wasn't too tough, though, because despite the fact that he was on the lam (he'd fled gone on vacation after being handed a 10 year jail sentence), his house was registered under his real name, which also appeared on his Canadian driver's license. Additionally, he did a lot of jogging, and was frequently recognized. Probably not the brains of the operation, then.

Three down, the rest of you to go

A Colorado woman, claiming that Castle Rock police did not do enough to prevent her estranged husband from killing their three young daughters, lost her battle as the Supreme Court ruled that police cannot be sued over the way cops enforce the laws.

"The deaths of these girls, while tragic, I think the learning experience we gained from this will help us deal better with these situations in the future," Police Chief Tony Lane said.

So there you have that. It might be poor grammar but you can't deny the logic of a good learning experience.

Dumpster diving

Grand Pobah of the Internet, Whatevs,, jumps on the copyright infringement spotting bandwagon by pointing out how the editorial cartoonist Mike Thompson stole, stole I tell you!, from the Garbage Pail Kids. It didn't seem to elicit the same response from Dishord, who when reached for comment said, "Ian will rip off your head and shit down your neck you if you mock his art."

Hide your computer

An editorial in Pop Sci from Cory, of Boing Boing, about the Grokster case. Remember where you were the day American innovaction was ... murdered.

Dang, Geena!

Vitaliy Kvartsanyi-- a coach in Ukraine's top soccer league-- was banned, fined, and put on probation for year after "abusing his own club's Serbian players." After his team lost a match (to Metalurh Donetsk, for those of you who follow these things), Kvartsanyi criticized certain sectors of his team, specifically labeling the Serbs "weak-willed." He then threw down in a big, big way, asking himself "how the Americans failed completely to destroy the Balkan peninsula." Um...wow. So, George Steinbrenner? Pretty much an awesome guy. (via World Soccer)

He's pleading guilty

Saving Wichita taxpayers millions of dollars and likely slamming the door on a full explanation as to why he committed his crimes, Dennis Rader -- better known as the BTK killer -- pleaded guilty to 10 charges of murder this morning in court.

"In an extraordinary hearing, Rader said he killed because he wanted to fulfill sexual fantasies. He described the killings in detail in a voice devoid of emotion."

Sentencing will be held on August 17, but it's pretty unlikely it'll be anything less than a life sentence. I've been obsessed about the case for years, and am still somewhat amazed that a suspect was caught and will be punished for these crimes. The only question is, how many more did he kill?

Big bang boom

As the DC murder rate drops from 248 murders in 2003 to 198 in 2004, the House Government Reform Committee will be sighting the District's gun control laws in its cross-hairs. Expect a big push from the NRA and anyone who else who enjoys a gleaming 50-caliber.

"The possession of unregistered firearms has been illegal in the District since 1976. Registration of all handguns, automatic firearms and high-capacity semiautomatic firearms is also prohibited. Opponents of the restrictions say they are unconstitutional under the Second Amendment, but courts have upheld the District's gun control laws." [via NRA]

Baltimore: Take The Wire Tour

Baltimore is now a top ten world-class travel destination, according to Frommer's, and while you may be spooked by recent FBI statistics that show an increase in violent crime, it was the first time in five years there wasn't a decline. Seriously, take the kids, slap on the fanny packs and catch the wonderful views from the Inner Harbor or spend an afternoon in The Western. And remember, it's Charm City and at least your chances of getting forcibly raped are still probably lower than the country's average.

These Irish eyes are crying

Ireland customs agents are cracking down on the super-dee-duper rich who are trying to avoid paying the whopping 21 percent VAT on a luxury car. Your tricked-out '57 Bel Air is safe, they're look for Aston Martins, Ferrari's, Maseratis and the like. It seems a loophole allows Seamus to run the mileage up to 6K kilometers on his whip and avoid the hefty import tax.

If you see a man in a bespoke suit and monocle hitchhiking on the road from Dublin Port, where his Porsche or X5 was seized and now sits idle, help a brother out and loan him your walking shillelagh.

Why Prohibition Didn't Work

Bathtub gin hospitalized almost 200, killed 49, and totally blinded two over the weekend in Kenya. This was no drinkin-moonshine-on-the-porch situation either-- a woman kicked up her chang'aa (a homebrew which, in translation, is called "kill me quickly") with a little methanol and SOLD IT TO BARS. Oops.

Note to bar owners: in the future, maybe splurge on the Bud-- think "less deadly" instead of "more expensive than what the local crazy lady is selling."

Someone get this guy a Blogger Pro account!

Eric Rudolph, right-wing terrorist and Billy Ray Cyrus lookalike, has shared with us all an account of his life on the lam.

When A Whack On The Head Just Won't Do

Pakistani cops are apparently very sensitive, going so far as to sew the lips of a prisoner closed to stop him from "shouting insults." Not only was this guy yelling mean things and using "filthy language," but he was objecting to being tortured. Asking for it, obviously.

Crime fiction review roundup

The first here is not a review, but an essay from the Virgina Quarterly called "The Wagon" about a cop at a crime scene: " 'His arm . . . Watch the head . . . He’s leaking there.' My partner never wants to double bag the dead the way I do. I dread the fluid drips that in the smallest amount will ruin a uniform."

The NY Times runs down The Power of Three, The Water Room, and To Darkness and to Death.

In The Guardian, Julian Barnes' Arthur & George, which recounts Conan Doyle's own detective adventures, is reviewed.

The Guardian also has some short fiction by by Patricia Highsmith.

The Washington Post looks at Disturbed Earth, the fifth in the Artie Cohen mysteries; and The River House, which "reads like a suspense novel written by Richard Yates."

Oh, To Be In Rio

There are so many carjackings and murders in Rio that the city's legislature has officially voted to stop enforcing speed limits, at least in places where they're low (like 25mph low). Additionally, there's been a proposal to surround highways with really tall walls (or to put walls around slums-- it all depends on your perspective) in the hopes of keeping drivers from being killed by stray bullets. I'm not making this up.

How did Rio get this reputation as the world's partyville again? Because unless by "party" you mean "die," I'm just not feeling it.

Lesbians Don't Like Nazis, Either

Two morons (names of Patrick L. Langballe and Aaron C. Rush, in case you think you might know them) are charged with, among other things, three counts of a hate crime after robbing and threatening two lesbians on Friday. Said lesbians apparently met the assholes at a bus stop in Wisconsin and inexplicably agreed to cross state lines with them-- the attack took place in a state park in Illinois. In a twist on the usual "She resisted my fat, bald, redneck, white charms and therefore is a dyke" story, one of the women turned Rush down by telling him she and her friend were lovers. Logically, Rush announced that he and Langballe were married Nazis and skinheads (though that part was probably obvious), and that "gays and lesbians were no better than Jews and blacks." They're apparently really lame Nazis because, though the women fled with Langballe and Rush started throwing their lesbian clothes (presumably not the ones they were wearing) in the fire, they actually CAME BACK to return some Nazi gear they'd accidentally taken.

The lesbians could so totally have kicked their asses, if only it had occurred to them to take the threat seriously.

Like a punch to the gut

It takes a lot to surprise me when I read about a missing persons story. Usually, something adds up all too well -- someone disappears, they either ran away or were murdered soon after being abducted -- or is essentially complete bullshit. But I'm having a hard time figuring out where to slot the outcome of the three formerly missing boys in Camden, NJ, all found dead in the trunk of a car by one of their fathers. Evidently the vehicle was parked behind the home of 11 year old Anibel Cruz for over three months and had been searched before, but it was "unclear" whether the trunk had been searched.

Um, WTF? You search a car but not the trunk? It just sits there? Who opened it? Did the kids decide to play a hide and seek game gone horribly wrong, or did someone put them there?

Obviously answers will be forthcoming in the days to come, but the people of Camden will remember Cruz, Daniel Agosto and Jesstin Pagan as a trio of fun-loving boys, who played video games, riding bikes, and other kids' stuff.

Except now they won't.

Daily Dose: NYPD Clothing, Exorcisms, and Stupid Child Kidnappers

In a 5-2 vote, the enchanted Florida Supreme Court once again restored order to their ballot-blind citizens - this time deciding it’s not a crime to wear NYPD tourist garb and sheriff uniforms without intent to deceive (relieving slutty bachelorette parties across the nation). Chief Justice Cantero lamented the decision, stating: “I fear that today the Court has stripped law enforcement agencies of one important weapon in their battle against crime.” [Local 6]

A naughty Romanian Orthodox monk towel-gagged, crucified, and killed a schizophrenic nun in a three-day exorcism (the edgier, heavenly approach to convent hazing). When asked why he didn’t prefer a less messy method, the monk responded “you can’t take the devil out of people with pills” before going off on a ten-minute psycho tirade in which he condemned Brooke Shield’s possessed Suddenly Susan performance and Romanian authorities who don't no glib on happy-pills' medieval history. And we're back to the eternal question: batshit insane or just really, really passionate about religion? [Local 10]

Convicted sex offender John Couey admitted to kidnapping and burying alive 9-year old Jessica Lunsford (“she was still alive. It’s stupid, but she suffered. She never fought me...”), claiming “I don’t have a mean bone in my body.” [Newsday]

Googlesex

This is fairly old news, but some clever shut-ins down in Florida built a Google hack that, through the magic of computers, combines Google Maps with the Florida Sexual Offenders & Predators database. Now Floridians can locate all the sick fucks in their neighborhoods via the pleasing user interface that made Google famous. Not offically affiliated with Google, natch.

Low Country safe from the peril of multiple orgasms...at least today

Maybe dirty, but not a bomb:

A SLED helicopter descended at about 11:40 a.m. to drop off two bomb technicians and left about seven minutes later, once they had unloaded. They soon removed the contents of the package and saw there was no bomb inside. Actually, there were two vibrators. "We don't ever just open something," said special agent Jim Lowder, one of the bomb specialists. Lowder declined to go into specifics about examining the package, citing security procedures.

I used to work in this town. It's one of those places where the cops look like Cooter and all they do is hand out speeding tickets to everyone who passes through the 20 MPH zone. This must have been like Christmas and their birthday put together.

Roll on, my man. Roll on.

Should Atlanta pave the way and make impersonating a handicapped person illegal, this sort of thing could have been prevented: a trio in Honolulu used the rear compartment of a wheelchair to rip off a retail store. Two of them got nabbed but the third got away, bless his little Timmy-fied, useless legs. Even though the article states that the police report didn't mention if any of the perps were, in fact, handicapped, you know this third dude was. He probably had the above suped-up super chair with a fully bored, Hemi-mod in the back. Cops can't catch that shit, man. Even those bike cops they got down there can't keep up when you spring for the