Stalkerazzi

Today marks the 8th anniversary of Princess Diana's fatal car accident. Apparently, the paparazzi don't find anything wrong with chasing celebs to get their $250K "money shot" that would end up on the cover of US Weekly or Star Magazine. This is a problem as lately, the paps have been relentless in pursuing their targets. We should all pray that the same fate doesn't await our precious Lindsay Lohan or Scarlett Johansson. And let us not forget the incident of Britney Spears.

Lindsay Lohan Pap Demolition (Defamer)
Scarlett Johansson Car Crash Victim (Just Jared)
Is it ok to shoot the paparazzi? (Defamer)

Operation Smoky Bear

As New Orleans rises in a tide of brackish water and looters float shopping carts filled to the brim with makeup and cooking utensils past alligators and snakes, as the nation’s eyes take on a fixed, unwavering concentration on the doom of New Orleans, around the nation federal, state, and local police have arrested over 400 Meth cooks, dealers, and transporters. Dubbed Operation Wildfire, investigators snagged 200 lbs of Meth.
US Cracks Down on Dangerous Drug Methamphetamine Voice of Amer
Meth Labs: Enter At Your Own Risk Blottered

If there's grass on the field, play ball

If this isn't the plot for the feelgood movie of the summer, I don't know what it is: A pregnant 14-year-old crosses the Nebraska border into Kansas so that her 22-year-old boyfriend can make an honest woman out of her. Of course, Matthew Koso has known his wife Crystal since she was 8, but the two sagely waited to become a couple until she was 12 and he was 20. (True love waits, you know.)

He knocked her up earlier this year, which, according to the Times article, her mother didn't realize until she noticed Crystal wasn't using as many tampons. So she marched the two of them over to Kansas--even though she'd previously filed a restraining order against him--and had them get married. (Did you know that this case has managed to embarrass the State of Kansas? I didn't know that was possible.) They're now living in his parents' basement, and have christened their newborn Samara Ann, after the scary little dead wet girl in The Ring. (Just in case you haven't figured this out on your own, Matthew Koso spent most of high school in Special Ed. Which makes his insistence that "loves [Samara] to death" juuuuust a little disturbing.)

So now Matthew's awaiting trial for statutory rape, which could mean up to 50 years in prison. Such Draconian laws Nebraska has! In the meantime, he's content to sit in his folks' basement, feeding little Samara her Simulac. She's five days old as of this writing. Remember, Matthew: 12 years and 360 days before she's fair game.

Meth Labs: Enter At Your Own Risk

How does your state's meth cooks implement unwanted intruder protection measures?

Other dangers are created intentionally by meth cooks desperate to avoid being caught.

Many have been known to booby-trap labs in Tennessee with everything from razor blades to pipe bombs.

In Arkansas, meth operations have been found rigged so that the flip of a light switch would cause a massive explosion.

In Mississippi, cooks have been caught rigging their labs with dynamite, crossbows and even rattlesnakes.

I sure hope those MS boys weathered Katrina all right with their booby traps intact.

Hunters beware: Meth's in woods [Commercial Appeal (TN) reg. req.]

When Suge is around, you can bet there will be gunshots

Everyone knows that this weekend was the big VMA weekend down in Miami and our fun-loving, gun-toting, several-times-convicted, Death Row Records (now known as Tha Row) founder Suge Knight was definitely going to be there. The only problem is that no matter where this guy shows up, trouble is bound to follow him. None of this really suprises me because this is a man who has made a name for himself by his association with the LA gang scene, the numerous incarcerations and fines and most importantly, being implicated in the death of rapper Notorious BIG.

His biography is here

Here is a mini timeline of his criminal record

Moffie Risin'

"One of my classmates called me a moffie on Wednesday. When I asked him why he called me that, he hit me on the chest and said I would 'shit' during second break.

Of course that's awful but it's also kinda funny. So let me pose the question to anyone in the home studio audience: What the fuck is a moffie?

'Moffie' beaten up at school [News24]

Crime Author Announces She's Sooo Over Jack The Ripper But We're Not

Jack the Ripper's romantic legacy attracts all manner of 'holistic' sleuth and special investigator, including swashbookler whose own vigorously researched compendium is at present unwritten. Well-known mystery author Patricia Cornwall has indicated previously that the Ripper's real identity was that of Mr. Popular (at the time - Certainly not nowadays as you have to have a serious motherfuckin' 'Arts' education to be into this guy) impressionist painter Walter Sickert.

Desperately Seeking Walt, as he was known by admirers and close adjuncts, had, according to Corny Pat, a fistula* that required painful operations when he was a small boy just entering into the 'I can Masturbate Thick Gobs Of Paralyzing Goop' phase, enjoyed running around in disguises, and could easily falsify his handwriting for the Ripper letters, which were numerous during the killings. To be fair, a DNA test was done on a pair of the artist's overalls and samples of glue on letters written to the police by the Ripper - and however favorable, these remain inconclusive.

But now: Corny Pat has paid for full page advertisements in the newspapers saying that she's not Obsessed with Jack.

Why this matters to the 'Blottered Beat'? Well, it doesn't, but Jack the Ripper does. He's the key figure in the evolution of the modern serial killer. His gruesome skullduggery was done at the conjunction of the old world meeting the new. The very first celebrity killer (if you don't count David killing poor old Goliath), Jack is a crucial foundation stone in the history of crime. Perfect for a Saturday night's read, as city sounds and the sounds of migrating life take place outside of Saturday's dark windows.

1888 Victorian London. For three months a shadowy killer stalks the unspeakably ugly (or cruel beauty) of the slummy bivouac-like East End.

Following now established location-specific-behavior schema patterns of serial murderers, The Ripper, AKA "Leather Apron" sticks to a mile area, criss-crossing the districts of Whitechapel, the charmingly named Spitalfields, and Aldgate.

The Whitechapel Murderer preys on drunken prostitutes, the number of his or her victim's either as few as four, or as many as eight. Victims are strangled, their throats sliced, a piece of viscera taken. Jack is believed to have some kind of medical knowledge, on one occasion taking a kidney from the front of a body instead of the side, without damaging other organs. On another occasion Jack removes a victim's sexual organs with one cut, presumably in the total darkness of a foggy London alley.

Jack the Ripper is an enduring mystery. The wide variety of suspects over the past century include but are not limited to:

Prince Albert Victor, who was born slightly retarded, had an elongated torso his father King Edward VII and mother Alexandra of Denmark covered with foppish high collars and sleeves: Known to his family simply as Eddy.

The royal family's Doctor at Large: William Gull. Alan Moore readers know Gull as the Masonic culprit From Hell who says things like, "It is beginning...only just beginning. for better or worse, the twentieth century. I have delivered it."

PS

Drunken conversation during dark drive in country last night. Farms pass like women's belts, thinning, and then suddenly a red barn rises in the distance exactly like a feminine belt buckle with little swans and bleating doves. Fog twirls like curly hair. Dark roads, darker subject.

Me: "Have you read From Hell? About Jack the Ripper. It's 500 plus pages, exhaustively researched."
Other: "I have the DVD."
Me. "The one with Johnny Depp chasing the dragon?"
Other: "That's the one."
Me: "The fucking Hughes bros."
Other: "I heard that Jack might not have been in the medical profession. That the police might have exaggerated that aspect."
Me, looking out into the dark, dreamy darkness: "Really?"

* A fistula is some sort of abnormal connection. Not unlike the popular cheerleader befriending a young coke-bottle lens adorned Outsider, as seen in many feature films - except this abnormal connection is between an organ, a vessel, or intestine and another structure. That doesn't mean you can't say, "That's a fucking fistula", next time you happen to catch a rerun of one of these films.

Cornwell denies 'Ripper' obsession Scotsman

You Only Need One Reason To Kill In Texas

A Houston jury acquitted the woman who killed her boyfriend by shooting him in the face and then tried to blame it on her nine year old son. The boyfriend had a long pattern of abuse (like zig-zags up and down her body, perhaps some cross-stitching) and after admitting she lied when police arrived on the scene, her lawyers prepared a solid gold self-defense strategy.

"I'm not asking y'all to make Erika mother of the year," he told jurors Wednesday. " ... Thank God, within several hours of this, she told officers the truth."

It worked, she walked, he's dead.

Woman acquitted in death of boyfriend [Houston Chron]
Previously: Texas Reprezant!

BGSU Form Letter # 177AG3

Dear Parents of Prospective Student _______,

We at Bowling Green State University pre-congratulate you and your child for choosing the “Ultimate Educational Experience”.

As you might have read or seen on the news, one of our female students beat her roommate with a hot clothes iron! Why did she do that? She felt that her new roommate, also a freshman, had placed hidden cameras in their room.

She fractured the freshman’s skull, and even broke the iron! Talk about starchy!

We look forward to hearing from you!

PS.,

The camera was in the shower.

Police: College Freshman Attacks New Roommate With Hot Iron The Iowa Channel

Blottered Busts of the Week

Authorities said they are some of the biggest plants they've ever seen. They also said they have several more major raids planned throughout the Central Coast within the next month. (wink wink) [KSBW]

"This is definitely the biggest haul in the county this season," Detective Jesse Tovar said. "I won't expect a Christmas card from (the growers)." (like christmas trees) [Modesto Bee]

Jackson Township police have busted at least five methamphetamine labs in the past five years, but they say the latest bust was the biggest. (payless shoes, 1987) [NewsNet5]

The 360-foot drug smuggling tunnel at the Lynden-Aldergrove crossing begins at a Quonset hut at 26717 Zero Ave. in Canada, runs under two roads and opens up in the living room of a house at 151 E. Boundary Road. (of love) [Bellingham Herald]

Area police made the biggest cocaine bust in Butler County history earlier this week...seizing two pure kilograms of the drug. Although unimpressive to the eye — each cocaine brick measured about 12 by 6 by 2 inches and weighed 2 1/4 pounds — the drugs have an estimated street value of $500,000. (butler did it) [Middletown Journal, OH]

Most Wanted "Most Wanted"

We all know how hard it is to find a good man these days -- especially if the kind of man your looking for is a murderer, racketeer or international terrorist. So who would you want to spend a life on the lamb with? Ladies and gentlemen, may Blottered present the ten finalists in the Mister Murderous Felon America pageant:


JORGE ALBERTO LOPEZ-OROZCO: UNLAWFUL FLIGHT TO AVOID PROSECUTION - MURDER
Lopez-Orozco has ties to San Jose, California; Idaho, and Mexico. He may have fled to Michoacan, Mexico. Lopez-Orozco may be traveling with his brother, Simon Lopez-Orozco and Simon's wife, Maria Garcia, who have both been charged with accessory to first degree murder.


USAMA BIN LADEN: MURDER OF U.S. NATIONALS OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES; CONSPIRACY TO MURDER U.S. NATIONALS OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES; ATTACK ON A FEDERAL FACILITY RESULTING IN DEATH
Bin Laden is the leader of a terrorist organization known as Al-Qaeda, "The Base". He is left-handed and walks with a cane. [Ed. Note: Isn't he kind of obvious? Does anyone really think that they'll run into the guy at the local Wal Mart?]


DIEGO LEON MONTOYA SANCHEZ: CONSPIRACY TO IMPORT AND POSSESS WITH INTENT TO DELIVER COCAINE; POSSESSION WITH INTENT TO DELIVER COCAINE; MONEY LAUNDERING; RACKETEERING INFLUENCED AND CORRUPT ORGANIZATIONS (RICO) - DRUG TRAFFICKING; CONSPIRACY TO DISTRIBUTE OR MANUFACTURE COCAINE ABROAD WITH KNOWLEDGE OR INTENT THAT IT BE IMPORTED INTO THE UNITED STATES
Montoya is presently protected by the Colombian paramilitary group, "Autodefensas Unidas de Colombia" (AUC).


JAMES J. BULGER: RACKETEERING INFLUENCED AND CORRUPT ORGANIZATIONS (RICO) - MURDER (18 COUNTS), CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT MURDER, CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT EXTORTION, NARCOTICS DISTRIBUTION, CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT MONEY LAUNDERING; EXTORTION; MONEY LAUNDERING
Bulger is an avid reader with an interest in history. He is known to frequent libraries and historic sites. Bulger is currently on the heart medication Atenolol (50 mg) and maintains his physical fitness by walking on beaches and in parks with his female companion, Catherine Elizabeth Greig. Bulger and Greig love animals and may frequent animal shelters. Bulger has been known to alter his appearance through the use of disguises. He has traveled extensively throughout the United States, Europe, Canada, and Mexico.



GENERO ESPINOSA DORANTES: UNLAWFUL FLIGHT TO AVOID PROSECUTION - CRIMINAL HOMICIDE [Ed. Note: And he's got a Mexi-mullet!]
Dorantes has a pierced left ear. He may be involved in the transportation of illegal aliens from Mexico into the United States. He may travel to North Carolina, Florida, Texas, or Mexico. Dorantes is known to have a violent temper, especially when he abuses alcohol.

Dorantes may be traveling with his girlfriend, Martha L. Cano Patlan, who has also been charged with criminal homicide. They are believed to be accompanied by her young daughter, Mariana Cisneros, and their young son, Edgardo A. Espinosa. Both of these children may be in danger of serious harm.


ROBERT WILLIAM FISHER: UNLAWFUL FLIGHT TO AVOID PROSECUTION - FIRST DEGREE MURDER (3 COUNTS), ARSON OF AN OCCUPIED STRUCTURE
Fisher is physically fit and is an avid outdoorsman, hunter, and fisherman. He has a noticeable gold crown on his upper left first bicuspid tooth. He may walk with an exaggerated erect posture and his chest pushed out due to a lower back injury. Fisher is known to chew tobacco heavily. He has ties to New Mexico and Florida. Fisher is believed to be in possession of several weapons, including a high-powered rifle.


VICTOR MANUEL GERENA: BANK ROBBERY; UNLAWFUL FLIGHT TO AVOID PROSECUTION - ARMED ROBBERY; THEFT FROM INTERSTATE SHIPMENT
[Ed. Note: No description here, but we'll assume he likes sunsets, long walks on the beach and holding up security guards at gunpoint.]


GLEN STEWART GODWIN: UNLAWFUL FLIGHT TO AVOID CONFINEMENT - MURDER, ESCAPE
Godwin is fluent in Spanish and may be traveling throughout Central and South America, and Mexico. He is thought to be involved in narcotics distribution.


RICHARD STEVE GOLDBERG: SEXUAL EXPLOITATION OF CHILDREN (PRODUCTION OF CHILD PORNOGRAPHY); UNLAWFUL FLIGHT TO AVOID PROSECUTION - LEWD ACTS UPON A CHILD (SIX COUNTS), POSSESSION OF CHILD PORNOGRAPHY (TWO COUNTS)
Goldberg has a thick moustache and a receding hairline. He was the president of a gun club in Long Beach, California. Goldberg has ties to, or may have traveled to, New Jersey, Nevada, Colorado, Arizona, and Georgia.


DONALD EUGENE WEBB: UNLAWFUL FLIGHT TO AVOID PROSECUTION - MURDER; ATTEMPTED BURGLARY
Donald Eugene Webb, who is considered a career criminal and master of assumed identities, specializes in the burglary of jewelry stores. He is reportedly allergic to penicillin, a lover of dogs, a flashy dresser and a big tipper.

Hotties On The Run Who's the hottest felon! Jorge Alberto Lopez-Orozco Usama Bin Laden Diego Leon Montoya Sanchez James J. Bulger Genero Espinosa Dorantes Robert William Fisher Victor Manuel Gerena Glen Stewart Godwin Richard Steve Goldberg Donald Eugene Webb view results Easy online poll builder - free! $5 Web Hosting!

Life in The City

So the captain at the Northern Station here in San Francisco is named Kevin Dillon. I love him because he writes his weekly newsletter with real panache (email him and you can have the updates delivered to your inbox). As an antidote to the small-town antics in Maine, here's some big-city crime written by a pro [PDF]. First off, everyone loves a dogfight:

Sunday, August 14, 6:18 AM, Dog Fighting Arrests: Police Communications sent Officers Schaffer and Knight to the report of three men inciting a dogfight in Linden Alley near Buchanan. Drawing near the scene the officers overheard the animals’ snarls and yelps at a distance of roughly one block. In Linden Alley they observed three men in their late twenties forcing two bloodied animals toward one another. The beasts snapped and lunged at each other, viciously thrashing their adversary’s head and neck.

As one might imagine, walking into a dogfight to arrest the participants may be tactically challenging. The officers might like to avoid harming the animals, in spite of their being the most dangerous element. The most criminal, on the other hand, are the dark souls that have divested themselves of compassion, and feed off the terror of beasts. Schaffer and Knight would have to walk a tightrope to apprehend the caitiffs.

The problem, on the other hand, was no mystery. Stop the bad guys and, more often than not, the fight will stop itself. Knight then climbed out of the radio car and, drawing her department issue firearm as a precaution, ordered the suspects to heel their dogs and face the wall behind them. Dogs do attack people from time to time, as we all know. One man complied taking his animal with him. The second man walked away from the officers west on Linden with his dog in tow, and the third, being intoxicated, rushed toward Knight with an injured puppy in his arms to drunkenly argue the officers’ prudent tactical measures.

Knight gave the intoxicated man an order to stop but he refused. Schaffer then intercepted the suspect, forced him into a Department approved wristlock, and steered him back toward the wall. The man persisted, nevertheless, struggling and shouting so much the officer had trouble fitting him with handcuffs. Officers Brennan, Takaioka and Perez, then arrived to provide backup, and the four of them successfully restrained the man by forcing him to the ground to control his movement. The officers detained the second man and his dog at the other end of Linden Alley.

Thereafter all three suspects and their animals were transported to Northern Station. The man that had cooperated was issued a citation and released. Of the two that had refused to cooperate, the man that had walked away was booked for delaying an investigation, and on an unrelated warrant. A charge was added for dog fighting as well; he had been arrested for dog fighting once before. The inebriated third party was booked for delaying, resisting, and being intoxicated in public. The Department of Animal Care and Control then arrived to seize the dogs, and transferred custody to the SPCA. All three animals, including the puppy, had sustained injuries from the fighting.

Just goes to show -- when your gambling fun is broken up by the cops, don't rush at them holding an injured puppy. Cooperate and save yourself a night in the hoosegow. Next up, how about a heartwarming tale about the ho with a pimp who cares:

Monday, 11:20 PM, Loitering for Prostitution, Arrest: Vice Detail Officer Callo arrested a 24 year-old woman for soliciting with the intent to prostitute at Larkin and California. As he processed the woman’s booking card she received several cell phone calls from a number with the caller ID of “Pimping.” He asked her who it might be.

“I didn’t do anything. I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said.

Whatever. He booked her at County Jail 9.

Finally, let's take a deep look into the shittier side of the human condition (since that's what Blottered is all about, natch):

Thursday, 3:50 PM, Child Neglect, Arrest: The employees of a shop on the 900 block of Geary called Police Communications to report their concern for an heavily inebriated woman and the infant she was responsible for in a baby stroller. The 42 year-old woman had been in a stupor pushing the baby slowly past the shop when the employees appealed to her to come inside and sit down. Thereafter they called 9-1-1 and Officer Ray Mahvi responded.

Mahvi arrived to find the baby alert and the woman barely capable of remaining seated upright. Her eyes were bloodshot and drooped closed as she swayed from sided to side. The officer had to ask several times for her name. Yes, she was the baby’s biological mother. She had just received a 130cc dose of methadone and she had supplemented the high with a can of malt liquor. The woman could not even recall how old the child was. She said the infant was born in ’92 when to all eyes she was clearly younger than twelve months.

When asked for identification the woman reached into the stroller and pulled back the baby’s blanket to find it. Beneath the blanket had been two more 24-ounce cans of Steel Reserve, but not one bottle or jar of baby food anywhere. Sergeant Bill Griffin then arrived and contacted the Juvenile Division to consult. Charges were approved and the officers arrested the woman for felony child endangerment. SFFD Paramedic Unit 41 took custody of the baby and transported her to Child Protective Services. Her mother was booked at County Jail 9.

Moral of the story: If you're headed down to the methadone clinic, don't bring your baby.

Blottered Spotlight: Waldo County, Maine

BELFAST, ME (Aug 24): Law enforcement officials with the Waldo County Sheriff's Department responded to the following incidents and accidents, issued the following summonses and made the following arrests.

Aug. 22
Jessica Schrader, 22, of Searsmont, was arrested for domestic assault.
Ed.- Domestic assault is not something to joke about. Especially in this case since no further info is provided.

Aug. 21
Robert S. Larrabee, 27, of Freedom, was summoned for unnecessary noise with a vehicle.
Ed.- Doesn't sound much like "freedom" to me if a man can't rev his wheezing 440 a little to boil the juice and blow the teapot.

Aug. 20
Alton E. Lane, 26, of Searsport, was arrested for domestic assault, terrorizing and obstructing report of a crime or injury.
Ed.- We all need to exercise some caution when throwing a word like "terrorizing" around. That's letting the bullies win. On a lighter note, I think he should take Jessica Schrader of Searsmont out on a date.

Aug. 18
Kayla J. Berry, 18, of Belfast, was cited for driving 64 in a 45-mph zone in Searsport.
Ed.- Kayla, that's awesome, keep up the good work. I hope you live to see 19.

Andrew G. Wilson, 40, of Torrance, Cal., was cited for driving 67 in a 45-mph zone in Belfast.
Ed.- Cheeky move, Andrew. Way to one-up Kayla, in her hometown even!

Aug. 17
Jill Rowan-Parker, 36, of Windsor, was cited for driving 64 in a 45-mph zone in Palermo.
Ed.- I sense a pattern here. What country are we in again?

Aug. 16
Jeffrey Hill, 39, of Knox, was arrested for marijuana cultivation, possession of a scheduled drug and possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. Heidi Cunningham, 25, of Knox, was summoned for possession of a scheduled drug, drug paraphernalia and a usable amount of marijuana.
Ed.- I've always thought couples crime is the best kind. America has a history rich with its unrealized promise and I imagine it really heightens the sexual experience .

Waldo County Sheriff's Department blotter [VillageSoup]

U-TURN VERDICT SPINS 180

Dodgeball founder Dennis Crowley is not your average gadget-wielding, old school Range Rover driving, craps playing, law abiding, DJ-ing, mobile social software pioneer, but that hasn't made Google fame go to his head. In fact, in many ways he's a lot like you and me; he too drives on the same side of the road as everyone else. So when a pesky Chinatown NYPD traffic cop in one of those hobbit cruisers pulled him over for an illegal U-turn on Delancey (in a "business district"), it's no surprise Dennis was a bit befuddled. No way was he gonna fight this analog-style. Read the dramatic saga here (part 1) and here (the verdict) to find out how our hero was able to digi-cam his way out of a ticket and into traffic court history.

Sirens Turned On

Looking to get married to the badge or a firemen calendar? Sexually frustrated or scarred from your Iraq tour of duty? Do you enjoy ass-to-mouth resuscitation? Want to be on the "correct" side of guarded prison love? Maybe you'd like to talk into the stethoscope and get physical?

For some, finding love in a uniform is not just a Gang of Four song or butt shots of Dennis Franz on NYPD Blue. Don't settle for the name-tagged uniforms of the fast food industry. Aim higher (like just above the bellybutton) and be all you can make-believe with an online dating service that caters to professionals in the uniformed and emergency services. Enlist today, wake up with a glazed donut tomorrow.

Uniform Dating

Morning Coffee Criminology

Poor Steven Ewell. After sleeping with a sixteen year old girl (one of his students) and serving three years in the slammer for doing something many people fantasize about, he's having a hard time finding a place to live in Jersey. We think it's punishment enough that he lives in Jersey in the first place. [via]

What's worse than wandering around Janesville, Florida in August wearing a plastic Storm Trooper costume? Getting arrested for it. Unfortunately, it's not because they have laws against being a nerd in Florida. Hopefully the guy at least got a sympathy fuck from one of the 'Sex Slave Leias' at the con. [via]

It seems that the price of porn for soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan is a grisly picture from the battlefield. That's right, trade the images that will give you post traumatic stress syndrome for pictures of poonanny [automagic Google translation, originale en italiano]! Why are we not surprised the idea was conceived by Italians? And why isn't the DOD giving our troops all the free porn they could ever want in the first place? [via]

Improbable photo of my fellow NYU alum Melissa Joan Hart via Leia's Metal Bikini.

Thou Shalt Not Kill

Well, as if we didn't already know he was a choad, Marion Gordon Robertson thinks the United States should make Hugo Chavez' paranoid delusions come true and assassinate him. Of course, the United States doesn't assassinate world leaders -- we outsource the work to the graduates of the School of the Americas.

In an exclusive scoop, Blottered has obtained a list of the other people Robertson wants garroted by the CIA:

• The Korean hooker who handcuffed him to the bedframe and stole his wallet back in '51


• Gerard Straub, author of Salvation for Sale


• The State Department, preferrably by nuclear attack


• Pete McCloskey, who pointed out that his Korean War "service" was stocking the bar at the officer's club


• Jimmy "That Fat Philandering Fuck" Swaggart


• Episcopalians, Presbyterians, Methodists and, presumably, Papists -- but not the Jews, yet


• Greg Palast, author of The Best Democracy that Money Can Buy


• The Justices of the Supreme Court, except Scalia


• Sodomites (again, except Scalia)


• The clerk who refused to pre-date his marriage certificate by a month


• Chinese fetuses


• Satan, AKA Andrew Krucoff

New Fox Drama, Prison Break

If you're a fan of prison dramas, or a prison geek, you're probably really looking forward to the new Fox series, Prison Break. This new 24-wannabe is centered around two brothers in prison- Lincoln is on death row at the fictional Fox River State Penitentiary, falsely accused of killing the Vice President's brother, and Michael, who sticks up a bank to get placed in the same jail as his brother in order to break him out. It just so happens that Michael is a structural engineer with the prison's blueprints so it sounds like he's going to try to break Lincoln out in a similar fashion to Sean Connery breaking into Alcatraz in The Rock. Everyone knows you can practically indefinitely postpone an execution in the Appeals process but I guess that doesn't make for Must See TV.

The question on everyone's mind is- what happens when the brothers break out? Will that happen in one season? Is that the end of the series? If they stretch it out past one season (a la Lost), will we lose interest?

The two brothers are played by guys who are semi-familiar. Michael is played by Wentworth Miller ("The Human Stain") and Lincoln is played by Dominic Purcell ("John Doe," "Blade: Trinity"). I'm looking forward to seeing Peter Stormare ("Fargo," "Minority Report") as John Abruzzi, as an imprisoned former mob boss, Robin Tunney who plays Veronica, Michael's defense attorney/friend, and Stacy Keach ("Titus," "Mike Hammer") , who plays the warden. But for prison geeks, the real star is Joliet Correctional Center, closed in 2002, which stars as the prison.

Action guy Brett Ratner directed the two-hour pilot which airs Monday, August 29th at 8/10 PM Eastern/Pacific time. Afterwards, it will air on Mondays at 9 PM.

You Bet I'm Mad, Real Mad

Teens in Jersey are still using it. Couples reluctantly resort to it when sorting out relationship issues. It mixes well with large wooden sticks, hammers, various other examples of tool shed inventory, and it is not the sole province of cartoons to describe the conking effect. Stay calm people, but the "tire iron" shows no signs of reducing its role in desperate criminal activity or going the way of the sword cane.

Image from the Wisconsin Department of Transportation's Safety and Consumer Protection website on "Aggressive driving"

The Next Big Mob Related Broadway Musical

"Boss, I Gots The Construction Site Blues" a musical

Act I
Scene I
Southwestern United States. California and adjacent. Beautiful weather. Singing birds.

A mysterious organized crime ring targets building equipment in plot to heist just about anything they can get their little hands on, including small tools like scissors, up to and including heavy construction machinery.
They have been operating for nearly 4 years, buffalo-ing 'concrete cutters, tampers trenchers and other equipment',
costing $5 Million in ONLY the first three months of 2005.

Tiny stands at the building site, his mug is red from a combination over-exposure to the sun and hard labor. He is loading expensive machinery into a yellow dolly.

The scene breaks away, just as Squeeny the boss enters the room, carefully adjusting his genuine horse-hair toupe.

Tiny (deep tenor):
Boss, it's like taking cheese from a baby,
stealing these machines, tape, and tools, re-selling
them to the same developers, that pack of fools!

Squeeny (clarion bell clear):
I know Tiny, but don't get Scott Baio'd,
Zapped was a big hit, sure, but where is he now?
Carefully you big dumb lug, load the trucks we gotta go,
'Fore the night crew gets here, and like Scott Baio, we get NC17'd, Yo

Tiny:
After this boss, we should go visit a strip joint and have some
drinks poured on us?

Tiny minces to Squeeny, grasps him by his arms, and the two began a sort of lewd rubberband of a dance, sashaying toward a pile of lumber.

Squeeny:
That'll go great on my deck you great oaf, make sure you
get the lumber, that's some good oak or cedar, perfect for my gazebo

Tiny:
What about the Construction guys, boss?

Squeeny:
They're paid off, they have no recourse!

Crime ring linked to construction site thefts in southwestern US SFGate.com

Warriors Come Out And Play

Remember the hot taste of leather? The sweat running off the bridge of your nose. 26 years ago saw the introduction of the very "special" The Warriors.

When the Warriors are wrongly accused of putting the death-glare on gang leader Cyrus during a special gang truce, every burgundy zippered leather boot top chain or board wielding gang member in NY is out to get the Warriors. Those were the days. Fine ass hairdos. You could arm yourself with a weapon, just from your local hardware store without worrying about packin' a gat. Bitch - back then we fought like gladiators. The white hot NY subway system and backlots, afros, calluses, bats, and bulldozed late 70's, early 80's ghetto, sometimes swinging around streetlamps with one hand and the other smashing the enemy with a bag of bricks.

17 years ago, in that other metro of bad-ass lincoln log armed ghetto czars, Chicago, an 18 year old girl named Ida Garcia was shot while she was standing with some friends. The police arrested four teens, but the shooter fled the state before they could apprehend him. He went to El Paso, Texas.

In a personal crusade, Sgt. James Eldridge (retired) finally put his badge in the perp's mouth and made him sing that Skid Row song, 'Slave to the Grind'. Seriously.

The perp' Rodrigo Gonzalez was finally nabbed all of these 17 years later, has waived extradition, and awaits the corpuscular x-rays of the Man's ultraviolet gaze, finally.. behind bars. What led to his capture you ask?
He applied for a driver's license.

Police arrest suspect in 17-year old murder case abc7chicago.com
Ace Of Spades Motorhead

Texas Reprezant!

Don't know about you, hoss', but you just don't see this too often. In the Natural Born Killeresque turf of Texas a woman cold-lead-plugged her boyfriend and tried to blame her 9 year old son for the crime. Clearly, a rational woman who only left Catholic school because mom and dad needed extra help on the ranch. Well, I don't know if Texas is anything like the shit I concoct when I think of Texas, which is an amalgam of old spaghetti westerns and Every Which Way But Loose.*

Investigators said they uncovered what really happened after interviewing Ruiz' son at length and testing her hands for gunpower residue.

The Forensic examiner eyes the woman warily.
"You're saying, um, you're saying, uh that your 9 year old son shot this man?"
"Indeed," she says.

Well, now Tim's gonna at least have a CSI episode. And what are you going to get woman:? Jail, maybe a book deal.

Woman blamed son for crime, on trail for murder KHOU.com

*Testing hands for gun powder residue. Get out of here!

Olympic Bomber Apologizes.....Finally. But Not Without Sarcasm.

Eric Rudolph has been sentenced to 4 life sentences for the 1996 Olympic bombing as well as several other bombings including a women's clinic and a gay nightclub. Mr. Rudolph is apparently very sorry for his actions, however "smirked and rolled his eyes during Monday's testimony by some of the victims, especially those refuting his anti-abortion, anti-homosexual beliefs." Wow that's something, huh? A bomber who is sorry for his actions, yet is still compelled to act sarcastically while victims voice their own opinions! But hey, if that wasn't enough, "He laughed under his breath when one of the victims said it was appropriate that when authorities finally found Rudolph he was scavenging for food from a trash container." Hey Eric, wasn't it your extremeist views that prompted you to bomb the games and other places? I mean the LEAST you can do while trying to show some remorse is, um, act like it, right?

Quebec: Come for the old-world charm, stay for the paroled serial killers

Quebecois newspaper Hebedos Quebcor has outed the location of convicted-and-recently-paroled serial killer Karla Homolka. For those of you who don't lisez the Fraunch, here's the pertinent info:

Karla Homolka has been spotted several times in a community on Montreal's south shore and is believed to be working in the area, a weekly newspaper has reported. The Saturday edition of Le Courrier du Sud, a local newspaper serving Longueuil, reported that two witnesses have spotted Ms. Homolka recently. An updated on-line edition says another person came forward Sunday and claimed Ms. Homolka is working in a local store.

Well grease up your torches and grab your pitchforks, mes amis! Who doesn't love a little vigilante justice?

Body of Missing Philly Woman Found

LaToyia Figueroa's body was found over the weekend in a grassy, wooded lot in Chester, PA. To almost no one's surprise, her former boyfriend Stephen Poaches has been charged with the crime. Poaches, who claims to had last seen her July 18, told the Philly Tribune that he had absolutely nothing to do with her murder. This reminds me of when Scott Peterson, convicted murderer went on national TV to proclaim his innocence as well.

The thing I don't understand is why? These are young, pregnant women. Can't these guys just leave them? Isn't facing a double murder rap worse than having to shell out child support????

The 'Freezer' Theory

"When it is cold there will be no crime. We do have some, but it is minor stuff." Du Plessis said it was a recorded fact that crime statistics dropped during the winter months.

"All crimes are down in winter."

It's hard for someone with little more than a middle school 'Earth Sciences' background to debate the effect temperature has on crime. But crime is also a result of poverty, class issues, ignorance, CSI Miami's brazen contempt for story plotting.

Yet from what I've read, City of God's representation of shantytown Rio de Janeiro is spot on. A hot brutal place to live, death in the streets wearing machine guns and sunglasses, hot dew dripping, rust colored poverty. Also As Krucoff describes Nuevo Laredo, Mexico:

Drug gangs with no care for human life rule the area with bloody fists and a crapload of guns. There have been at least 108 execution-style murders since January.

I'm willing to bet this place is fucking HOT. Wolf Parade hot.

I spent about a year in places like Aquaba, Jordan, Dubai in UAE, during the hot months. I was bleeding from my mouth. Worst of all I was enraged. If a phone was in sight I dutifully called back to the states, destroying relationships and friendships with the disdain a tyrant has for the population he rules. So there might be something to this. I was on the edge of criminality.

The answer is, of course, free air conditioning.

Too cold for a crime News24
Send In Giuliani Blottered
Hot In Herre Nelly

Bad Arguments in Washington

One of the worst arguments I've ever come across has been raised in objection to the proposed Washington law to make sex with animals illegal.

But where are these caring voices when animals are being turned into chic purses, ground into all-beef patties, made to pull plows in infernal heat or poked with foot-long research needles?

Where was Roach when people floated proposals a few years ago to allow the use of hounds to hunt down cougars in the state?

The answer to the second question is no mystery. Roach was a proponent of hound hunting because cougars, in her view of the world, are evil felines that threaten people and beasts.

The senator's perspective about which creatures are worthy of our protection is as arbitrary as her proposal to protect creatures from "rampant" human sexual abuse. One can only imagine what Roach's take might have been had the man died after sex with a cougar instead of a horse.

Uhm, okay. So your point is that because we haven't outlawed the eating of beef we cannot outlaw having sex with horses? That makes so little sense it's like some kind of magic spell that leaves anyone who hears it stunned into silence.

In order to make arguments that people are going to buy, you have to have a least a minimal amount of contact with the moral understandings of others. Here we don't need to respond at all. Unless it is with the following: Dude, you just cannot have sex with animals. Let it go.

[Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

Drug Czar Fights Drugs (sort of)

Yesterday everyone's three favorite cabinet members- Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, HHS Head Michael Leavitt, and Drug Czar John Waters (sadly, not Michael Douglas)--traveled to Nashville, TN to unveil the President's new plan to combat this country's meth problem. Well, at least part of this country.
This is great, right, the president gets it, and he cares! Not exactly. Neither in yesterday's speeches or in the press release detailing the new spending plan, is the crystal meth problem in the gay community mentioned. Not even once. And as anyone who has walked down 8th ave between 23rd and 14th knows, meth is at least as big a problem in the gay community as it is in trailer parks in flyover states.

The government's plan: www.MethResources.gov
Feds Target Meth With Money: WaPo
Higher Risk: The New Yorker
That Newsweek Cover Story

Family to London police: You're all bloody liars!

The family of slain Jean Charles de Menezes is really pissed off. So much so that they want the top bobby to resign. Depending on which version you believe, the cops thought he was a suicide bomber in the days after the attacks in the tube and on the bus, so when they saw the Brazilian homeboy, they thought he looked "suspicious" and then shot him SEVEN TIMES IN THE HEAD. Because if they only shot him twice in the head, they wouldn't be so sure if he was dead right?